The 10 Golden Rules Guaranteed to Annoy your Conductor
1. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, the lack of space, or a draught. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
2. Bury your head in the music just before an important cue.
3. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good opportunity for blowing your nose.
4. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have any music.
5. At dramatic moments in the music, be busy marking your music so that the climax will sound empty and disappointing.
6. Whenever possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that he must be hearing the harmonics.
7. If your phrasing differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
8. Remember - softer means slower.
9.During a long and very meaningful rest, either hold the note before a second too long or come in one beat before the rest is over.
10. When the conductor is rehearsing with another section, feel free to discuss last night’s soap operas, football or recipes (remember you will have to talk that little bit louder to be heard over the singing section).
Some more musical funnies
Q What's the definition of a bad soprano?
A One so awful that even the tenors notice.
Q How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves round her.
Q What's the definition of an alto?
A A soprano who can sight-read.
Q. How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A None - They can't get up that high.
Q How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None again! They're so macho that they prefer to stumble about in the dark and bang their shins.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.
We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.
Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.